What makes a "good" parent? In 1966, when
I became a mother, this question was usually answered with conventional
wisdom: Parenting is the most important skill, but is is learned primarily
by experience.
"Being a parent is the only job for which there is no training,"
was a popular saying, on that people actually believed. Although Dr.
Benjamin Spock had written a parenting manual, many dismissed his ideas as
too permissive. Children were to behave, whatever that meant, and if
they did not, they should be spanked or sent to bed without dinner.
Mothers really said, "Wait until your father gets home," and children
really did try to prepare for the blows from Dad's belt by stuffing
pillows or books into their pants. Good parents were judged by their
children's public behavior and respect for authority.
The problem with this parenting style is reflected in the
rebellion of the baby boomers, who rejected their parent's values and
shocked the greatest generation by growing their hair, burning their bras,
using psychedelic drugs, rocking to the Beatles, and protesting the
Vietnam war.
È
(continued...)
A large number
decided that the world was not safe and did not become parents until
their biological clocks began running down in their thirties, and
still they were not trained for parenting.
So what is a good
parent? The "answer" is finally available, in books, magazine
subscriptions, videos, and parenting classes held in nearly every
church, school, and service agency, as well as on the Internet.
James Dobson, John Bradshaw, Ross Campbell, Kevin Leman, doctors
Phil and Laura, and countless other parenting experts are only a
click away. We are overwhelmed with good advice.
As a grandmother who has experienced the failure of conventional
wisdom, studied the experts, trained as a youth worker, founded a
non-profit agency, and taught parenting skills to pregnant teens and
single mothers, I have distilled the information to these
principles:
1. Understand that what is right for the child is
right for the parent.Parenting is proactive, and it
requires a daily subjugating of the parents' needs and desires to
the needs of the child. A parent's postponing personal comfort
for her child's well-being will pay off in the parent's senior
years, where, believe me, it is needed most. Self-sacrifice is
not a popular idea in our "have it now" culture, but our children's
futures are well worth the price of a little pain. We can pay
now, or we and our children will pay later.
2.Children need time IN as much as they need time
OUT.Psychologist Ross Campbell and others have
well-established the idea that each person has an "emotional tank"
that needs to be kept full. If they receive positive eye
contact, appropriate physical contact (infant massage, hugs,
"high-fives", etc.), focused attention (making them feel like they
are the only one you are concerned about at the time), and healthy
discipline, children will not need to try to fill their own
emotional tank by seeking attention with negative behaviors.
3.Children need to feel our
unconditional love. We all love our kids, but do we
always convey our love to them? Do we base our acceptance of
them on their performance (good grades, clean room , etc.), or do we
help them improve while preserving their self-esteem?
Establishing our unconditional love to our children will form the
foundation from which we build a life-long relationship, and they
must know that we love them in order for our discipline to be
effective.
È
(continued...)
4. Children need
to develop in body, mind and spirit. A robot could measure
the proper nutrients and prepare healthy meals and snacks, but could
they deliver it like a parent? From day one, parents should be
involved in their children's daily growth. From breastfeeding or
holding them to give a bottle, the personal touch of a parent brings
trust and security. Be involved in their education; volunteer in
their classroom or home-school them, if you are able. Learn with
them. Challenge them to develop effective communication skills and
manners; say, "Please," and "Thank you," to them, and they will be
courteous to others, enhancing their ability to pass a job interview at
eighteen! Finally, help them grow spiritually; take them to
church, and read the scriptures to them. Children who grow up with
faith have a healthy perspective of their place in the world. As
an added benefit, knowing the Bible will help them understand the great
works of literature, paramount to a solid education.
5. Children need a mother and father with a strong, loving
marriage. The marital relationship is the most imporant
one in the home, providing security and a model for their own
relationships. Children from single-parent homes are more
vulnerable to gang involvement, drug use, and teen pregnancy.
Ninety-three percent of children of unmarried, teenage parents who have
not finished high school will grow up in poverty. Children who do
not have a father figure or whose fathers are abusive are more likely to
abuse their own children or have failed relationships themselves.
If these foundational
parenting principles seem difficult to establish, they are, but tired
parents who are tempted to give up should remember that healthy adults
don't just happen. We finally have the knowledge and the
opportunity to shape the future with parenting tools that work.
What our children need is moms and dads willing to use them.
What makes a "good" parent? In 1966, when
I became a mother, this question was usually answered with conventional
wisdom: Parenting is the most important skill, but is is learned primarily
by experience.
