Moses House Ministries
Phone: (760) 955-1895

Fax: (760) 955-1303

Toll-Free: (866) 60-MOSES
15180 Anacapa Road

P.O. Box 2033

Victorville, CA 92393

"Parenting from the heart"

by Judy Morris

- Moses House Ministries -
(Published in the Daily Press - Saturday, September 18, 2004)  
What makes a "good" parent? In 1966, when I became a mother, this question was usually answered with conventional wisdom: Parenting is the most important skill, but is is learned primarily by experience.

"Being a parent is the only job for which there is no training," was a popular saying, on that people actually believed.  Although Dr. Benjamin Spock had written a parenting manual, many dismissed his ideas as too permissive.  Children were to behave, whatever that meant, and if they did not, they should be spanked or sent to bed without dinner.  Mothers really said, "Wait until your father gets home," and children really did try to prepare for the blows from Dad's belt by stuffing pillows or books into their pants.  Good parents were judged by their children's public behavior and respect for authority.

The problem with this parenting style is reflected in the rebellion of the baby boomers, who rejected their parent's values and shocked the greatest generation by growing their hair, burning their bras, using psychedelic drugs, rocking to the Beatles, and protesting the Vietnam war.

 A large number decided that the world was not safe and did not become parents until their biological clocks began running down in their thirties, and still they were not trained for parenting.

So what is a good parent? The "answer" is finally available, in books, magazine subscriptions, videos, and parenting classes held in nearly every church, school, and service agency, as well as on the Internet.  James Dobson, John Bradshaw, Ross Campbell, Kevin Leman, doctors Phil and Laura, and countless other parenting experts are only a click away.  We are overwhelmed with good advice.

As a grandmother who has experienced the failure of conventional wisdom, studied the experts, trained as a youth worker, founded a non-profit agency, and taught parenting skills to pregnant teens and single mothers, I have distilled the information to these principles:
1.  Understand that what is right for the child is right for the parent. Parenting is proactive, and it requires a daily subjugating of the parents' needs and desires to the needs of the child.  A parent's postponing personal comfort for her child's well-being will pay off in the parent's senior years, where, believe me, it is needed most.  Self-sacrifice is not a popular idea in our "have it now" culture, but our children's futures are well worth the price of a little pain.  We can pay now, or we and our children will pay later.
2. Children need time IN as much as they need time OUT.  Psychologist Ross Campbell and others have well-established the idea that each person has an "emotional tank" that needs to be kept full.  If they receive positive eye contact, appropriate physical contact (infant massage, hugs, "high-fives", etc.), focused attention (making them feel like they are the only one you are concerned about at the time), and healthy discipline, children will not need to try to fill their own emotional tank by seeking attention with negative behaviors.
3.   Children need to feel our unconditional love.  We all love our kids, but do we always convey our love to them?  Do we base our acceptance of them on their performance (good grades, clean room , etc.), or do we help them improve while preserving their self-esteem?  Establishing our unconditional love to our children will form the foundation from which we build a life-long relationship, and they must know that we love them in order for our discipline to be effective.
4.  Children need to develop in body, mind and spirit.  A robot could measure the proper nutrients and prepare healthy meals and snacks, but could they deliver it like a parent?  From day one, parents should be involved in their children's daily growth.  From breastfeeding or holding them to give a bottle, the personal touch of a parent brings trust and security.  Be involved in their education; volunteer in their classroom or home-school them, if you are able.  Learn with them.  Challenge them to develop effective communication skills and manners; say, "Please," and "Thank you," to them, and they will be courteous to others, enhancing their ability to pass a job interview at eighteen!  Finally, help them grow spiritually; take them to church, and read the scriptures to them.  Children who grow up with faith have a healthy perspective of their place in the world.  As an added benefit, knowing the Bible will help them understand the great works of literature, paramount to a solid education.
5.  Children need a mother and father with a strong, loving marriage.  The marital relationship is the most imporant one in the home, providing security and a model for their own relationships.  Children from single-parent homes are more vulnerable to gang involvement, drug use, and teen pregnancy.  Ninety-three percent of children of unmarried, teenage parents who have not finished high school will grow up in poverty.  Children who do not have a father figure or whose fathers are abusive are more likely to abuse their own children or have failed relationships themselves.
 
If these foundational parenting principles seem difficult to establish, they are, but tired parents who are tempted to give up should remember that healthy adults don't just happen.  We finally have the knowledge and the opportunity to shape the future with parenting tools that work.  What our children need is moms and dads willing to use them.
   
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